Sunday, March 15, 2015

to him.

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I made you miss half of the PG basketball game. I’m sorry I got in the way of the two of you dating last summer. I’m sorry I could never stay awake. I’m sorry the shirt I bought you was too big.

But most of all I’m sorry I couldn't make it work.

You owned two thirds of my smiles and all of my yesterdays for four months.

But then it stopped.

And it was my fault. I was the one who slammed on the brakes.
And explaining why would require a 3-gas-station-stops type of drive.

That’s probably why I haven’t ever really taken the time to explain it all to anyone yet.
Not even my mom.

And you know how much I tell my mom.

You promised me a basketball game two years from last December and I’m crossing my fingers that that promise is still breathing.  
And I know that’s selfish of me.

But I want to see how many people you've changed and if you drive the black car like I guessed you would and I want to act like we’re 16 again and buy you a crepe so we’re even.

People keep telling me I can’t have friendship without having romance, but I pray every night that they’re wrong.

Because if I’m being honest.
I kinda miss movie-time hand holding and midnight kisses. But mostly, I miss your heart.

I miss talking about your favorite niece and seeing you laugh at my stupid jokes when you were extra tired.
I miss seeing you getting excited about silly things like your mom’s rolls and exchanging lists of one another’s quirks.

I miss the way you believed in me. 
With all your heart.

And I know you told me it’s harder when I’m around
And I know I’m being selfish for missing all these things when I’m the reason they’re gone.
And I know you’d probably prefer it if June 28th would come quicker.

But I’m afraid of June 28th and the day after that and after that. Scared that they won’t include being friends with you.

And I don’t really know how to fully explain everything

But I do know I keep wishing on stars that we could talk about something more than the weather and the answer to #23 on your calculus.
That instead of making wishes that we could talk about them.

And I've never been good as just sitting back and wishing

Because why waste pennies on overhead-fountain-throws
When I have a voice and a pair of legs that can do so,

so much more.

F. Sharpe


  1. the niece and the calculus and gas stations

    you rock

  2. "But I miss your heart."
    i can really really really relate to this whole thing right now. awesome post.

  3. Your writing is soo good and that last like about pennies was so good and you're just so great.

  4. the moms rolls. talking about the wishes instead of making them. gas station stops. im in the same boat as you girl. this is amazing.

  5. Dear F. Sharpe,

    ok im sitting at my computer and my parents just yelled at me because im not obedient to them or my bishop and i don't care about their feelings and i am deliberately trying to be rude but i think this post got me to feel more than they did. and i can't decide if that makes me want to cry or laugh but i know this was beautiful.

    1. Wow. You don't know how amazing this comment is. Thank you thank you thank you .