to him.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I made you miss half of the PG basketball game. I’m sorry I got in the way of the two of you dating last summer. I’m sorry I could never stay awake. I’m sorry the shirt I bought you was too big.

But most of all I’m sorry I couldn't make it work.

You owned two thirds of my smiles and all of my yesterdays for four months.

But then it stopped.

And it was my fault. I was the one who slammed on the brakes.

And explaining why would require a 3-gas-station-stops type of drive.

That’s probably why I haven’t ever really taken the time to explain it all to anyone yet.

Not even my mom.

And you know how much I tell my mom.

You promised me a basketball game two years from last December and I’m crossing my fingers that that promise is still breathing.  

And I know that’s selfish of me.

But I want to see how many people you've changed and if you drive the black car like I guessed you would and I want to act like we’re 16 again and buy you a crepe so we’re even.

People keep telling me I can’t have friendship without having romance, but I pray every night that they’re wrong.

Because if I’m being honest.

I kinda miss movie-time hand holding and midnight kisses. But mostly, I miss your heart.

I miss talking about your favorite niece and seeing you laugh at my stupid jokes when you were extra tired.

I miss seeing you getting excited about silly things like your mom’s rolls and exchanging lists of one another’s quirks.

I miss the way you believed in me. 

With all your heart.

And I know you told me it’s harder when I’m around

And I know I’m being selfish for missing all these things when I’m the reason they’re gone.

And I know you’d probably prefer it if June 28^th would come quicker.

But I’m afraid of June 28^th and the day after that and after that. Scared that they won’t include being friends with you.

And I don’t really know how to fully explain everything

But I do know I keep wishing on stars that we could talk about something more than the weather and the answer to #23 on your calculus.

That instead of making wishes that we could talk about them.

.

And I've never been good as just sitting back and wishing

Because why waste pennies on overhead-fountain-throws

When I have a voice and a pair of legs that can do so,

so much more.

F. Sharpe