Thursday, February 26, 2015

last night I went to bed early

Last night I went to bed early
I woke up to screaming texts and crying silence

Last night I went to bed early
And I've never regretted anything more


This morning I told my mom that another boy had committed suicide
And I felt broken
For him
For all of those before him
For the fact that the words Another and Suicide have become attached
So attached
Too attached


I've been told there’s opposition in all things. 
Yin and Yang.
As good things become better, bad things become worse

But lately I feel like good things should stay where they are,
hit the brakes,
slow it down,
if that means less bad, less suicide.

Suicide is a cycle and lone peak is on round 11 and we’re all tearing, straining, sweating trying to stop the wheel, but
It
                  Just
    Keeps
                             Spinning



Spinning towards shattered hearts, melting minds and collapsing lungs.
Bruised knees

Two hour long, please-help-me-and-them-and-her, prayers worth of bruised knees

But bruises fade from purple to yellow to flesh and I promise you, hearts heal too.
I promise you, I will spend every moment by your side if that’s what it takes for you to decide to stay
I promise you hundreds of others would do the same
I promise you that clouds are nothing more than water vapor and they too will clear.





And I’m trying to find you,
The ones with the taped hearts and stitched bones
But my gps is malfunctioning and this map is ripped in three places
And I just don’t feel qualified.


I don’t have any letters of recommendation to send to God with my prayers when I’m asking to be guided to tape and stitches
But I still ask.
I still ask.

And I feel like I should work on complimenting people’s hearts more than their hair because everyone knows hair grows back when it’s cut

There’s a thousand things I need to work on
And
I’m trying to convince myself that that’s ok
That adjustments are part of the procedure 


I’m trying to tell myself that tomorrows exist for a reason.
That tomorrows are for Betters and Try-harders.

They’re for clearer skies
Warmer eyes 
Overcoming trials
Truer smiles



But for him, the tomorrows stopped coming

And for that reason,




I think,

we all need to live for the tomorrows he left behind




And make them worth as much as we possibly can


For him. 




F. Sharpe

10 comments:

  1. this was beautiful... and the first thing strong enough to over power the dam I built on my eyes this morning. after this line I couldn't keep it in...

    "And I feel like I should work on complimenting people’s hearts more than their hair because everyone knows hair grows back when it’s cut"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ditto. I thought I could read a post or two before my son's basketball game tonight. Now my head hurts.

      But my heart is full.

      Delete
  2. "For the fact that the words Another and Suicide have become attached"
    I have been thinking this all day and I hate it so much

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love this. Thank you for writing this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. thank you. thank you. thank you.

    this was amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. i cried reading all of these but this one touched me differently.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "we all need to live for the tomorrows he left behind
    And make them worth as much as we possibly can"
    This is the line that hit me. Wow.
    This is a powerful piece.
    Thank you

    ReplyDelete